I've had several different titles for this post but none seems really appropriate right now. Why the hell I have "hidden" from this page I don't know since it's not like anyone reads it which can only mean I'm hiding from myself ....which I'm sure I could have told myself that.
About a week ago we were driving home from church when I saw that my Paleo Leap menu planner came through. I noticed it because we cancelled that subscription yet I still keep getting it. Then I saw that it was week 49.
Week 49. There are 52 weeks in a year. That means that I started this almost a year ago. Immediately guilt set in. I had done so well with eating and working out up until I got hurt. Even then I was still working out/lifting upper body. The the middle of June came and for 2 weeks I ate through everything. Work stress was out of control and there was no time. Add to that that I had no time to work out and therefore any motivation to stay on track went out the window. Now here I was 2 weeks later and likely 10lbs heavier. I felt like shit and to top it off had I stayed on track with the paleo leap stuff I would have been so very much further along. And here I was, failing yet again. 37, still not just overweight but obese. Fat.
How many times had I tried and failed until now? And hell, I was never even thin. It has been this elusive goal.
I tried so hard that Monday to get back on the wagon but so quickly I didn't just fall off but catapulted. I downed several handfuls of M&Ms, an ice cream bar and a giant cupcake within 45 mins after I missed lunch.
Disgusting comes to mind. Not so much what I ate or how much be me. I'm disgusting. This self shit talk continued through the week. On top of everything else there were some "medicine issues" so I was literally eating my way through my feelings.
Last night I finally confessed some of this to Matt including the fact that I was so frustrated at knowing "which way " to eat--Paleo? Whole 30? No dairy? No nuts? Are they that bad? On and on until he made a very valid point. Namely that there was no theme to the Whole 30. He reminded me that with Paleo the goal was to eat unprocessed food. After I tried it for 30 days only then could I add in foods to see how I felt and only I could decided what to keep and not keep. For example, I KNOW the effects dairy has on me. I was, in fact, being marketed to when trying to follow Whole 30.
There was also the acknowledgement (out loud) of eating my feelings. While I didn't feel great about it I did feel better and am just trying to look to the next 30 days.
I went to the gym today. I had only the elliptical to do. I loath that machine but I have to start low impact and slow. I didn't want to be there but I did it. 40 mins. I worked up a good sweat and even got in my PT. I finished and was still frustrated. How in the hell did I get so fat, so disgusting to start with and why couldn't I get ahead of it? Why is it that my cravings for crap food feel so overwhelming that they feel unmanageable?
I went to the locker room when a woman I am familiar with came in. I don't know her per se but I see her often. She was crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes, but then I grabbed her tissues all the same. She clearly didn't want to open up to me and that's fine. On my way out I told her that whatever was going on I hoped her day got better.
I am frustrated. I am disappointed in myself. I am angry. But I am still fighting. I am still ABLE to fight. I don't know (and won't guess) what was going on for that coworker but the fact that nothing in my life is (currently) reducing me to tears in the locker room speaks volumes.
So I'll fight. I'll continue to fight. My only other choice is not to and I certainly don't like the results of that. So fight on.
