Woe is me

I haven't written in this corner of the world  in three months.  I doubt anyone reads here and that is fine with me.  I'm not sure that I want to talk about what it is I want to write about.  Just like most people I find writing cathartic and frankly the main reason why I want to put it out here is to get it out of my gut and move forward.  So here it goes.

There is not a shadow of a doubt that we are blessed.  Let's get that straight first.  People often talk about how two is a game changer but three go from man to man to zone.  No I'm NOT pregnant just follow me here.  The thing is, just like with a lot of stuff I find people (moms) making a bigger deal of the who "OMGAWD I have two and it's so HARD look how amazing I am".  By no means am I saying it's not hard, it's just I don't think we need to admire the problem.  So yea, two is harder than one-shocker-but for me what's really getting me right now is my life isn't very man on man but instead zone with just two.

Let me say before I go any further my husband is amazing.  He works exceptionally hard and it's all for his family.  Every day he gives it everything he has and I love that about him because aside from the obvious perks he's showing our girls the value of hard work.  And not just going through the paces hard work but thoughtful, figuring out the best course of action not backing down just because you're tired kind of hard work.  The man is a machine in that way.  But because of that, because of the role he's in and the path his career is on he's away a lot.  Not even necessarily physically but mentally.  I am honestly not sure I remember the last night he came home and didn't have to work.  Then there are nights like last night where he worked until 10:00pm at the office.  He was proud of his input and he should be.  I'm saddened that he thought I was in a bad mood when he got home b/c it was nothing more than pure exhaustion.  And he IS very hands on when he can be, mostly with Emerson.  Being busy and have a 3yo who's all about mommy doesn't help....and it's not like he can nurse Kate. This is more about me than him.

Aside from working a full time job I've become the primary care giver to our girls.  And that's fine, it's how I want it.  But yesterday, well this was a snapshot:
-Got both girls ready alone (he had to be at work early) and to school
-Worked a full day from the home office which included 3 pumping sessions for the baby
-picked both girls up from school, home, play time, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner for tonight as well, bath for Emerson, nurse the baby, Emerson to bed (which is a whole other story lately) did all of the laundry and folded and put it away and finally worked for about 2 hours in there. Also, I *think* I fed the dog.  Poor Archie. 

So when he got home and I made a comment about being tired and he snarks back with a "you think you're tired I just worked a 14 hour day" type remark I was none too pleased. 

Then last night the baby was up every two hours, likely b/c in my rush to try to get her to sleep so I could handle Em on my own Kate got a rushed "dinner".  Then I was too tired to really do anything more than the minimum every time she woke.  And in between Kate waking?  Emerson was up.  Hell the first time Kate woke at midnight I came crawling back into bed to have my husband ask me to turn on my computer so he could do his time.  I get it but damn. 

This morning Em was up by 5:30ish in our bed again for the 4th? 5th time and Kate woke hungry at 6:00am.  Matt had a early meeting.  It's a standing meeting every wed and I get it, fine.  But that doesn't make it easier.  I'm feeding Kate and entertaining Emerson when the dog starts to whine to go out.  This is the point that I find myself saying "I need help".  I don't even expect an answer--at this point I am just getting it out into the universe, asking for God.  I've even taken to saying a "Hail Mary" in order to calm myself before I loose my temper at Emerson ----as an aside Friday night when I was crazy sleep deprived I snapped at Matt in the car and Em stated crying because "the way you're talking to daddy scares me"  Mother of the Year here.--Anyway much to my surprise I hear Matt and realize he's out of the shower and laying on the couch with his IPad.  I get it, it's his thing in the morning.  But I'm with two kids and a whiney dog and frankly I said  Hail Mary right about there. 

After I take the dog out I let Matt know I'm going to jump in the shower.  At this point I just need a moment. I find myself entirely jealous that every morning he gets to shower in peace, get dressed in peace and leave the house as he pleases while I manage the girls.  So I decide to take his advice and take a moment.  That's when he snaps about having to leave in 20 mins.  I get it, my showers are never long but I find myself yelling at him that I just need a minute.  That I feel like I'm doing it all on my own and getting no help from him.  Surprisingly, he seems to agree.  Not that it was all happy go lucky but still.  The shower helped and I was able to refocus in a more positive way but it occurs to me, I'm not man on man lately, I'm zone.  I'm zone and I'm all alone.  It's no damn wonder I'm so tired. 

I'm sure Matt thinks I don't tell him how much I appreciate his hard work or that I'm proud of him enough.  I certainly know I don't hear it enough from him.  Right now I cannot get past the feeling like we're just treading water to get to....what?  I'm not even sure.  I know Emerson's sleep issues are a phase and that Kate will (God willing) sleep again but I still can't shake the thought of ....to where?  to What?  To the next proposal?  Till summer?  Emerson refuses to go anywhere without me.  Even this morning she wouldn't go downstairs with Matt for fear of me leaving her.  I am positive that Kate's arrival hasn't helped that matter though this was always her to some degree.  I know it hurts Matt too. 

I'm Zone.  I'm doing the best I can.  I'm not sure it's good enough but it's going to have to be.  Mostly I'd just like someone to acknowledge.  I'd just like to not be so angry.  I'd just like to do a good job.