It's been forever since I've been on here. I actually haven't been doing "bad" per se but not good either. While my tendon has been healing I've been able to do modified workouts which, until the last few days I've been really quite religiously following. Sadly Friday I had to take off b/c daycare closed and K got the stomach flu which she then passed to me Sunday night. It's now Tuesday and as I write this I'm counting down the hours until noon. I told myself a half day. Actually I hadn't planned on a half day but I feel like such a** that I don't think I can do more. Forget all the other "stuff" that weighs me down here.
Anyway, given that I haven't eaten anything of consequence since Sunday night and I've had maybe 40 oz of fluid (about 30 of which have been in the past 12 hours) I shouldn't be surprised I feel like this but I'm at that point where I'm irrationally fearing I'll never feel better again.
Meanwhile today is 9/1/15. It's a date of note b/c aside from the fact that pumpkin spiced everything comes out today it's the first day of a new month and the first day of a 21 fit challenge. My dear friend L and I are doing it together, except that I decided at some point last night that I'm not all in.
Hear me out here. I'm sticking with it b/c while I'm already working out but need motivation. That being said I'm trying to be reasonable knowing that I'm not going to be 100%. The diet piece is what has me perplexed. It's Paleo this, whole 30 that, 21 day fix here, detox there. Given that I know that food is where I struggle I'm about to lose my mind on all of this. And yet without some "rules" I feel like I'll really falter. Should I snack? Should I eat a bunch of small meals? OMG my brain.
And we are going on vacation next week (thank GOD) and frankly I don't want to start and "fail". So if I know I'm not going to be 100%, I wonder why am I doing it or am I making excuses?
Or maybe I just need sleep, you know b/c 20 hours in 24 hours wasn't enough.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
July 6, 2015
I've had several different titles for this post but none seems really appropriate right now. Why the hell I have "hidden" from this page I don't know since it's not like anyone reads it which can only mean I'm hiding from myself ....which I'm sure I could have told myself that.
About a week ago we were driving home from church when I saw that my Paleo Leap menu planner came through. I noticed it because we cancelled that subscription yet I still keep getting it. Then I saw that it was week 49.
Week 49. There are 52 weeks in a year. That means that I started this almost a year ago. Immediately guilt set in. I had done so well with eating and working out up until I got hurt. Even then I was still working out/lifting upper body. The the middle of June came and for 2 weeks I ate through everything. Work stress was out of control and there was no time. Add to that that I had no time to work out and therefore any motivation to stay on track went out the window. Now here I was 2 weeks later and likely 10lbs heavier. I felt like shit and to top it off had I stayed on track with the paleo leap stuff I would have been so very much further along. And here I was, failing yet again. 37, still not just overweight but obese. Fat.
How many times had I tried and failed until now? And hell, I was never even thin. It has been this elusive goal.
I tried so hard that Monday to get back on the wagon but so quickly I didn't just fall off but catapulted. I downed several handfuls of M&Ms, an ice cream bar and a giant cupcake within 45 mins after I missed lunch.
Disgusting comes to mind. Not so much what I ate or how much be me. I'm disgusting. This self shit talk continued through the week. On top of everything else there were some "medicine issues" so I was literally eating my way through my feelings.
Last night I finally confessed some of this to Matt including the fact that I was so frustrated at knowing "which way " to eat--Paleo? Whole 30? No dairy? No nuts? Are they that bad? On and on until he made a very valid point. Namely that there was no theme to the Whole 30. He reminded me that with Paleo the goal was to eat unprocessed food. After I tried it for 30 days only then could I add in foods to see how I felt and only I could decided what to keep and not keep. For example, I KNOW the effects dairy has on me. I was, in fact, being marketed to when trying to follow Whole 30.
There was also the acknowledgement (out loud) of eating my feelings. While I didn't feel great about it I did feel better and am just trying to look to the next 30 days.
I went to the gym today. I had only the elliptical to do. I loath that machine but I have to start low impact and slow. I didn't want to be there but I did it. 40 mins. I worked up a good sweat and even got in my PT. I finished and was still frustrated. How in the hell did I get so fat, so disgusting to start with and why couldn't I get ahead of it? Why is it that my cravings for crap food feel so overwhelming that they feel unmanageable?
I went to the locker room when a woman I am familiar with came in. I don't know her per se but I see her often. She was crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes, but then I grabbed her tissues all the same. She clearly didn't want to open up to me and that's fine. On my way out I told her that whatever was going on I hoped her day got better.
I am frustrated. I am disappointed in myself. I am angry. But I am still fighting. I am still ABLE to fight. I don't know (and won't guess) what was going on for that coworker but the fact that nothing in my life is (currently) reducing me to tears in the locker room speaks volumes.
So I'll fight. I'll continue to fight. My only other choice is not to and I certainly don't like the results of that. So fight on.
About a week ago we were driving home from church when I saw that my Paleo Leap menu planner came through. I noticed it because we cancelled that subscription yet I still keep getting it. Then I saw that it was week 49.
Week 49. There are 52 weeks in a year. That means that I started this almost a year ago. Immediately guilt set in. I had done so well with eating and working out up until I got hurt. Even then I was still working out/lifting upper body. The the middle of June came and for 2 weeks I ate through everything. Work stress was out of control and there was no time. Add to that that I had no time to work out and therefore any motivation to stay on track went out the window. Now here I was 2 weeks later and likely 10lbs heavier. I felt like shit and to top it off had I stayed on track with the paleo leap stuff I would have been so very much further along. And here I was, failing yet again. 37, still not just overweight but obese. Fat.
How many times had I tried and failed until now? And hell, I was never even thin. It has been this elusive goal.
I tried so hard that Monday to get back on the wagon but so quickly I didn't just fall off but catapulted. I downed several handfuls of M&Ms, an ice cream bar and a giant cupcake within 45 mins after I missed lunch.
Disgusting comes to mind. Not so much what I ate or how much be me. I'm disgusting. This self shit talk continued through the week. On top of everything else there were some "medicine issues" so I was literally eating my way through my feelings.
Last night I finally confessed some of this to Matt including the fact that I was so frustrated at knowing "which way " to eat--Paleo? Whole 30? No dairy? No nuts? Are they that bad? On and on until he made a very valid point. Namely that there was no theme to the Whole 30. He reminded me that with Paleo the goal was to eat unprocessed food. After I tried it for 30 days only then could I add in foods to see how I felt and only I could decided what to keep and not keep. For example, I KNOW the effects dairy has on me. I was, in fact, being marketed to when trying to follow Whole 30.
There was also the acknowledgement (out loud) of eating my feelings. While I didn't feel great about it I did feel better and am just trying to look to the next 30 days.
I went to the gym today. I had only the elliptical to do. I loath that machine but I have to start low impact and slow. I didn't want to be there but I did it. 40 mins. I worked up a good sweat and even got in my PT. I finished and was still frustrated. How in the hell did I get so fat, so disgusting to start with and why couldn't I get ahead of it? Why is it that my cravings for crap food feel so overwhelming that they feel unmanageable?
I went to the locker room when a woman I am familiar with came in. I don't know her per se but I see her often. She was crying. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes, but then I grabbed her tissues all the same. She clearly didn't want to open up to me and that's fine. On my way out I told her that whatever was going on I hoped her day got better.
I am frustrated. I am disappointed in myself. I am angry. But I am still fighting. I am still ABLE to fight. I don't know (and won't guess) what was going on for that coworker but the fact that nothing in my life is (currently) reducing me to tears in the locker room speaks volumes.
So I'll fight. I'll continue to fight. My only other choice is not to and I certainly don't like the results of that. So fight on.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Secret Stash, Falling Off the Wagon and New Goals
Last week started out nerve-wracking to hit the gym but it went well. Sadly life got in the way and Thursday and Friday were a bust. My intention is to do Biceps/Back Monday and Thursday, Triceps and Chest Tuesday and Friday and Shoulders/Abs on Wednesday and Saturday. I figure I can use my 5 lb weighs or just body weight at home on Saturday for that.
Sadly this weekend my food choices SUCKED. I find it's really hard to stay on point if I'm not working out. And Weekends? Well they are just hard all the way around.
Why do I have such a hard time with food? It's so damn frustrating. There are times when I feel like my self control and will power are amazing and other times? Not so much. If I'm being honest part of me also doesn't want to inconvenience anyone else like Matt.That's all me of course. It's like, what if I make us spend all this money on this particular food/menu and then I want to cheat? Then what?
Last night I did something I'm not please with-something I used to do growing up. I binged and then hid the evidence. Seriously.
I'm 37 years old and I hid the evidence of my "crime" under a bunch of egg cartons. It's like once I opened the flood gates there was no stopping me. I'm like a woman possessed. And yet the fact is that it impacts only me.
Today is Monday. I got back to the gym today. I guess that's all I can really worry about/shoot for is to keep trying. I'd be lying if I said wasn't disappointed in myself.
We're supposed to go to the beach again in Sept. I had a goal of being down to the 240's by then. It was more than doable and while it still is it's going to be much harder. Frankly none of it is going to be possible if I don't improve my eating. The frustrating part is just the idea that I'm so limited with my workouts.
Anyway, the new goal is to be somewhere in the 240's by 9/1. As of this morning that means I have basically 20lbs to lose to get "in" the 240's. I still need to get my eating under control regardless of the path I choose.
Sadly this weekend my food choices SUCKED. I find it's really hard to stay on point if I'm not working out. And Weekends? Well they are just hard all the way around.
Why do I have such a hard time with food? It's so damn frustrating. There are times when I feel like my self control and will power are amazing and other times? Not so much. If I'm being honest part of me also doesn't want to inconvenience anyone else like Matt.That's all me of course. It's like, what if I make us spend all this money on this particular food/menu and then I want to cheat? Then what?
Last night I did something I'm not please with-something I used to do growing up. I binged and then hid the evidence. Seriously.
I'm 37 years old and I hid the evidence of my "crime" under a bunch of egg cartons. It's like once I opened the flood gates there was no stopping me. I'm like a woman possessed. And yet the fact is that it impacts only me.
Today is Monday. I got back to the gym today. I guess that's all I can really worry about/shoot for is to keep trying. I'd be lying if I said wasn't disappointed in myself.
We're supposed to go to the beach again in Sept. I had a goal of being down to the 240's by then. It was more than doable and while it still is it's going to be much harder. Frankly none of it is going to be possible if I don't improve my eating. The frustrating part is just the idea that I'm so limited with my workouts.
Anyway, the new goal is to be somewhere in the 240's by 9/1. As of this morning that means I have basically 20lbs to lose to get "in" the 240's. I still need to get my eating under control regardless of the path I choose.
Four Little Words
Last Monday marked a new week, which meant it was time to hit the gym again. I got the ok from the ortho to do basically anything upper body right now and then eventually add on elliptical when I'm comfortable. Lower body will have to wait obviously.
I can't explain how nervous I was or really even why I was. I decided to do biceps and back and pulled together three excersizes for each so that I would have some direction. Even still when I got in the gym I froze. Callie, one of the trainers who has been an amazing support was there and we chatted a bit. She helped give me some ideas and answer some questions. Generally she just made me comfortable until I was ready to jump in. And of course I survived. :)
I left feeling accomplished but surprising frustrated. Despite having a successful workout I didn't sweat that much or feel like I worked all that hard. I tried to look at the bright side--I can't really be using the showers yet (I don't trust my balance) so not sweating is good, right?
I was talking with Callie on the way out about how frustrated I felt but that I refused to just throw my hands up and eat my way through my recovery. Then Callie said something that touched me so much I started to tear up. She said "I'm proud of you". Callie is probably 10 years younger than me and I am sure it's not something she goes around just telling people, much less people 10 years her senior. I looked at her and thanked her, telling her how much it meant before I had to turn away and take a deep breath.
I know that this is all for me and my health but it will never cease to surprise me how strongly I'm impacted by those words. I hope she knows how much I needed that.
I can't explain how nervous I was or really even why I was. I decided to do biceps and back and pulled together three excersizes for each so that I would have some direction. Even still when I got in the gym I froze. Callie, one of the trainers who has been an amazing support was there and we chatted a bit. She helped give me some ideas and answer some questions. Generally she just made me comfortable until I was ready to jump in. And of course I survived. :)
I left feeling accomplished but surprising frustrated. Despite having a successful workout I didn't sweat that much or feel like I worked all that hard. I tried to look at the bright side--I can't really be using the showers yet (I don't trust my balance) so not sweating is good, right?
I was talking with Callie on the way out about how frustrated I felt but that I refused to just throw my hands up and eat my way through my recovery. Then Callie said something that touched me so much I started to tear up. She said "I'm proud of you". Callie is probably 10 years younger than me and I am sure it's not something she goes around just telling people, much less people 10 years her senior. I looked at her and thanked her, telling her how much it meant before I had to turn away and take a deep breath.
I know that this is all for me and my health but it will never cease to surprise me how strongly I'm impacted by those words. I hope she knows how much I needed that.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Pop Goes the Tendon
Verdict is in, I popped a tendon. I'm in a boot for the next 4-6 weeks, followed by PT.
The good news?
No crutches and if I'm comfortable I can use the elliptical (and of course arms/stomach)
Bad news?
Aside from the obvious it's going to be a longer recovery. Squats etc (which I was actually enjoying) won't be happening for a while. Plus without working out I find that I have a habit of falling off the wagon easier.
I'm trying very hard to make good choices. Today I knew that we were going to Chick Fil A to celebrate Emerson's Pre K graduation so I was tempted to just throw the towel in for the day. Instead I decided to stick it out and still enjoy dinner so that was a small win. Of course, I felt HORRIBLE after dinner. Not because of my choices but physically just YUCK.
Monday I'll start back in the gym doing some lifting etc. I cannot let this get me down.
The good news?
No crutches and if I'm comfortable I can use the elliptical (and of course arms/stomach)
Bad news?
Aside from the obvious it's going to be a longer recovery. Squats etc (which I was actually enjoying) won't be happening for a while. Plus without working out I find that I have a habit of falling off the wagon easier.
I'm trying very hard to make good choices. Today I knew that we were going to Chick Fil A to celebrate Emerson's Pre K graduation so I was tempted to just throw the towel in for the day. Instead I decided to stick it out and still enjoy dinner so that was a small win. Of course, I felt HORRIBLE after dinner. Not because of my choices but physically just YUCK.
Monday I'll start back in the gym doing some lifting etc. I cannot let this get me down.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Frankenfoot
I'm still recovering from my freakish fall on the way home from the beach. I'm looking forward to the follow up on Wednesday to get a better handle on what's going on. I really don't want to push myself too much if it's a tendon or whatever, but at the same time I don't want to draw it out longer than normal.
I already reached out to Callahan who is one of the trainers at my office gym. I want to make sure I don't fall off the wagon regardless of the healing time of my foot. If anything is going to take a while I'm hoping that Wednesday they give me a walking cast so that I can get around easier which includes in the gym. Plus working your arms too much and then trying to use crutches just doesn't seem smart.
Today (Sunday) I got back on the Paleo wagon so to speak. The only way I wasn't is in that the Almond milk Matt bought has sugar (it's vanilla) so we need to get rid of it. I do need to cut out the vast amount of fruit I'm eating too from a sugar component.
The other thing I noticed tonight was as SOON as I took my last bite of dinner I immediately started thinking about what else to eat. I wasn't hungry but damn it if I found myself thinking about food. I sneaked a lara bar which, while compliant still is beside the point. I wish I could figure out what that's about and how to curb it. I really feel like part of it is because sort of panic at the idea of not being able to eat until the morning. Given how much better I've felt eating clean (and how much weight I've lost) and yet still go back just speaks so much to the power of food.
For now it's just like when I quit smoking--one day, sometimes one hour or even one minute, at a time.
I already reached out to Callahan who is one of the trainers at my office gym. I want to make sure I don't fall off the wagon regardless of the healing time of my foot. If anything is going to take a while I'm hoping that Wednesday they give me a walking cast so that I can get around easier which includes in the gym. Plus working your arms too much and then trying to use crutches just doesn't seem smart.
Today (Sunday) I got back on the Paleo wagon so to speak. The only way I wasn't is in that the Almond milk Matt bought has sugar (it's vanilla) so we need to get rid of it. I do need to cut out the vast amount of fruit I'm eating too from a sugar component.
The other thing I noticed tonight was as SOON as I took my last bite of dinner I immediately started thinking about what else to eat. I wasn't hungry but damn it if I found myself thinking about food. I sneaked a lara bar which, while compliant still is beside the point. I wish I could figure out what that's about and how to curb it. I really feel like part of it is because sort of panic at the idea of not being able to eat until the morning. Given how much better I've felt eating clean (and how much weight I've lost) and yet still go back just speaks so much to the power of food.
For now it's just like when I quit smoking--one day, sometimes one hour or even one minute, at a time.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
What's in a Name
While I don't expect anyone else to read this blog I'm intending to write it as such because, well basically I want to remember this stuff. This started as a baby blog. Then I found another personal tumblr blog and was all "oh, I'll merge my new blogs over there" which I did, and then proceeded to accidentally delete it for all time and eternity while trying to clean things up. I love how shit comes back to bite you on the internet except when you are trying to find something and then it's all "black hole abyss".
Anywho, this started out as Kate's baby blog which I want to make sure I do NOT accidentally delete. However things have changed over here. As I write this, Emerson is 4.5 and Kate is 19 mos. At 10 mos, almost 11, Emerson was baptized (October 8, 2011). After the baptism I saw a photo of myself. I knew I was overweight but seeing it....like that? I can't really say what it was but there was something about those pictures.
Those pictures were a catalyst.
However, unlike some strike of lightening explosion of taking action, that's not what happened for me. It's been 3 years and almost 8 months. I'm still overweight so no, it wasn't some drastic difference. But also unlike some strike of lightening it wasn't a flash. You see, slowly-ever so slowly-my mind has shifted. There used to be a time that I was angry at my body, disappointed at my body.
Now I'm angry at my choices, disappointed in my choices, but not me and not by body. My body has given me two children. When I thought I could never run I ran almost a full 5K. I started PIYO and almost immediately saw how much stronger I was getting. I began my new job and immediately joined the gym and have been religiously.
Of course, as I write this I'm laid up in bed with a badly sprained ankle, but I digress.
My body is amazing. I've been studying up over the course of the last year or so about the effects of food--not on the body but on the brain. The fact that I've had amazing results eating PALEO and yet fall off the wagon so easily just shows the power of food.
So here I am. I've found that once I find some source of motivation I don't want to let it go. While my overall view has shifted, I need any momentum I can. So here I am.
Anywho, this started out as Kate's baby blog which I want to make sure I do NOT accidentally delete. However things have changed over here. As I write this, Emerson is 4.5 and Kate is 19 mos. At 10 mos, almost 11, Emerson was baptized (October 8, 2011). After the baptism I saw a photo of myself. I knew I was overweight but seeing it....like that? I can't really say what it was but there was something about those pictures.
Those pictures were a catalyst.
However, unlike some strike of lightening explosion of taking action, that's not what happened for me. It's been 3 years and almost 8 months. I'm still overweight so no, it wasn't some drastic difference. But also unlike some strike of lightening it wasn't a flash. You see, slowly-ever so slowly-my mind has shifted. There used to be a time that I was angry at my body, disappointed at my body.
Now I'm angry at my choices, disappointed in my choices, but not me and not by body. My body has given me two children. When I thought I could never run I ran almost a full 5K. I started PIYO and almost immediately saw how much stronger I was getting. I began my new job and immediately joined the gym and have been religiously.
Of course, as I write this I'm laid up in bed with a badly sprained ankle, but I digress.
My body is amazing. I've been studying up over the course of the last year or so about the effects of food--not on the body but on the brain. The fact that I've had amazing results eating PALEO and yet fall off the wagon so easily just shows the power of food.
So here I am. I've found that once I find some source of motivation I don't want to let it go. While my overall view has shifted, I need any momentum I can. So here I am.
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