Secret Stash, Falling Off the Wagon and New Goals

Last week started out nerve-wracking to hit the gym but it went well.  Sadly life got in the way and Thursday and Friday were a bust.  My intention is to do Biceps/Back Monday and Thursday, Triceps and Chest Tuesday and Friday and Shoulders/Abs on Wednesday and Saturday.  I figure I can use my 5 lb weighs or just body weight at home on Saturday for that.

Sadly this weekend my food choices SUCKED.  I find it's really hard to stay on point if I'm not working out.  And Weekends?  Well they are just hard all the way around.

Why do I have such a hard time with food?  It's so damn frustrating.  There are times when I feel like my self control and will power are amazing and other times?  Not so much.  If I'm being honest part of me also doesn't want to inconvenience anyone else like Matt.That's all me of course.  It's like, what if I make us spend all this money on this particular food/menu and then I want to cheat?  Then what?

Last night I did something I'm not please with-something I used to do growing up.  I binged and then hid the evidence.  Seriously.

I'm 37 years old and I hid the evidence of my "crime" under a bunch of egg cartons.  It's like once I opened the flood gates there was no stopping me.  I'm like a woman possessed.  And yet the fact is that it impacts only me.

Today is Monday.  I got back to the gym today.  I guess that's all I can really worry about/shoot for is to keep trying.  I'd be lying if I said wasn't disappointed in myself.  

We're supposed to go to the beach again in Sept.  I had a goal of being down to the 240's by then.  It was more than doable and while it still is it's going to be much harder.  Frankly none of it is going to be possible if I don't improve my eating.  The frustrating part is just the idea that I'm so limited with my workouts.

Anyway, the new goal is to be somewhere in the 240's by 9/1.  As of this morning that means I have basically 20lbs to lose to get "in" the 240's.  I still need to get my eating under control regardless of the path I choose.

Four Little Words

Last Monday marked a new week, which meant it was time to hit the gym again. I got the ok from the ortho to do basically anything upper body right now and then eventually add on elliptical when I'm comfortable.  Lower body will  have to wait obviously.

I can't explain how nervous I was or really even why I was.  I decided to do biceps and back and pulled together three excersizes for each so that I would have some direction.  Even still when I got in the gym I froze.  Callie, one of the trainers who has been an amazing support was there and we chatted a bit.  She helped give me some ideas and answer some questions.  Generally she just made me comfortable until I was ready to jump in. And of course I survived. :)

I left feeling accomplished but surprising frustrated.  Despite having a successful workout I didn't sweat that much or feel like I worked all that hard.  I tried to look at the bright side--I can't really be using the showers yet (I don't trust my balance) so not sweating is good, right?

I was talking with Callie on the way out about how frustrated I felt but that I refused to just throw my hands up and eat my way through my recovery.  Then Callie said something that touched me so much I started to tear up.  She said "I'm proud of you".  Callie is probably 10 years younger than me and I am sure it's not something she goes around just telling people, much less people 10 years her senior.  I looked at her and thanked her, telling her how much it meant before I had to turn away and take a deep breath.

I know that this is all for me and my health but it will never cease to surprise me how strongly I'm impacted by those words.  I hope she knows how much I needed that.

Pop Goes the Tendon

Verdict is in, I popped a tendon.  I'm in a boot for the next 4-6 weeks, followed by PT.

The good news?
No crutches and if I'm comfortable I can use the elliptical (and of course arms/stomach)

Bad news?
Aside from the obvious it's going to be a longer recovery.  Squats etc (which I was actually enjoying) won't be happening for a while.  Plus without working out I find that I have a habit of falling off the wagon easier.

I'm trying very hard to make good choices.  Today I knew that we were going to Chick Fil A to celebrate Emerson's Pre K graduation so I was tempted to just throw the towel in for the day.  Instead I decided to stick it out and still enjoy dinner so that was a small win.  Of course, I felt HORRIBLE after dinner.  Not because of my choices but physically just YUCK.

Monday I'll start back in the gym doing some lifting etc.  I cannot let this get me down.