All Good Things, All Good Things

I don't know why but that life of Olaf's from "Frozen" just came into my head :)

I can't believe I didn't post about last week's weigh in!  I was down 3.2lbs which is a mixed bag.  Believe it or not, a little piece of me had hoped for more while another piece of me thought "great, now next week it'll be like. 2lbs".  I'm such the positive thinker, aint' I?!

As I'm true to my habits, I had a good week and now this week is hard.  But I'll be damned if I'm not fighting through.  Today I went to work out and the work out it called for was core.  I already know I can't do the core workout right now b/c it hurts my back.  So I decided to try the one I missed Sunday which was a strength interval.  Yea....no.  I can't do that much bopping around.  Not right now--and frankly never.  I loath that sort of work out unless it's like Jazzersize and it's a routine.  But instead I found another one I knew I could do and got to work.

I have no idea what the scale will say tomorrow but I do know I've been keeping at it.  That's all I can do for now.

My eyes are raining

That's what my friend's daughter said when she saw her mom crying--"mommy, why are your eyeballs raining?" 

So 2 weeks ago I got off of a plane and weighed in.  I "knew" it would be up a little, but in all honestly I didn't think I really, truly in my gut believed it.  So it should have come as no surprise when I weighed in last week after I fell off of the wagon and didn't have a huge loss.  But I didn't expect a gain.  I thought surely I had some "credit" built up but no, I was up even more. 

I sat through the meeting in the back of the room, trying desperately to cheer on others when I'm sure I had a sulky face.  One of my connect friends noticed and approached me tenderly afterwards.  I was surprised to find myself saying:  I want to quit, but I don't....and I won't. 

I mean literally, I want to want to be done but I'm so not.  I'm 100% still on board. 

Then our leader approached me b/c she noticed how quiet I had been (I'm a talker) and when she asked if I was ok all I could do is shake my head, drop my sunglasses on my face and make a bee-line out the door before the ugly tears came.

So now I need to apologize to her too for literally walking out mid-sentence, though I'm sure she'll understand.

I think what really got me is that I'll have been OP a year in September, and given how fast this year is going September isn't that far.  It's not that I haven't lost more than 20....it's that all told I've probably lost 50 but I just keep gaining and loosing the same few pounds.  I wonder if it's a waste of my money.

I keep working out.  I keep trying to stay OP.  I just won't quit.  I can't.  For once in my life, I wonder what would happen if I just didn't give up on myself.  I want to find out.  Time will pass anyway.

I will say that with the working out, while the scale may not be changing my clothing is a bit which is good.  I'm on a new accountability group running through July 4 and I'm refusing to step on a scale at home--only time is weigh in on Wednesday.  I'm trying to break some of the hold it has on me.  And if I don't know how "good" I'm doing by way of the scale I assume the worst and find I stay on track better.  It's probably the only time in my life where automatically thinking the worst is coming in handy.  But hey, I'll use what I can.

As I write this, it's Monday.  I didn't eat enough protein for lunch and I have a busy night.  I must be careful and calculated about how we proceed tonight so I don't fall off track.

Just Don't Quit

So I fell off of the proverbial wagon (again).  Shocker.  I should have skipped weigh in last week in hindsight.  I just had no idea how bad it would have hit me.  I got on the scale this morning and my first thought was "I quit".

But I won't quit.  And this is the poem that came to mind:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

The underlined part is of particular significance to me.  I'm reminded that time will pass regardless of the choices I make, so if I make good ones I'm that much closer to meeting my goals.  

Today marks day one of a new 3 week accountability group.  My goal, aside from working out which I've been doing really well at, is to stay on program.  No ifs, ands or buts.  It's 3 weeks.  I can do 3 weeks.  The hope is that 3 weeks turns into 4 etc etc but for now, I'm just focused on this challenge.  And remembering I can't outrun my fork.

CRASH

I had to go to NOLA for the night on Tuesday.  I was trying very hard to be smart with my choices.  I landed at IAD and went straight to weigh in on Wednesday.  I knew I'd be higher than what I weighed at home b/c of a heavy late meal on Tuesday and flights.  But I didn't expect to be .2 UP from my higher weight last week. 

Here's the thing.  I was clocking in in the 291 range at home.  Consistently, morning after morning.  So I figured I'd be at 294 or 295 and then it would settle next week.  But no, I came in even higher than last week. 

I thought I was ok with it. I could explain it with logic:
- late meal
-heavy Tuesday lunch
-not enough water
-did I mention 2 flights in a 24 hour time period??

But the truth is I apparently wasn't all that ok with it b/c I crashed.  I was already running on fumes which made me very snacky.  Before I knew it I was stuffing my face with the "might as well" attitude.  I had a 'food hangover' the next day and have been struggling to get back on track since.  Struggling, but still doing it. 

It's interesting to me how even when we think we are ok with something we aren't necessarily in our subconscious.  Mostly for me, it's breaking out of the GD 290's. 

I found an old "fat" picture of myself--you know the kind that you WISH you were that (not as) fat?  Yea.  One of those.  But I just keep reminding myself days will pass with or without my focus on my health and nutrition so I might as well focus on it and hopefully have something to eventually show for it.

It's gotta work sometime, right?

Monday, June 4

Kate was up last night throwing up, and I was on "puke patrol".  I'm thrilled to say she make the "basket" every time.  I woke up exhausted and not really motivated for much so when she told me she still didn't feel good it didn't take me much convincing to stay home with her.  Of course, I'm pretty sure I was duped by a 4 year old but Mama needed the quiet too.

I was able to catch a few extra minuets of sleep and then this afternoon I got in the most tremendous workout.  It was PIYO lower body and, I don't know it just clicked.  It felt so damn good.  Well, as good as sweating your arse off can feel anyway.  With the exception of having to come down from a move a little early I stuck with it 100%.

I think I *might* have broken through my plateau but I'll know on Wednesday.  Consequently I'm in New Orleans tomorrow. So I"m going to get off a plane and weigh in.....not one of my better ideas but what can I do?  We'll see how much water I'm retaining I guess.

Sunday Sunday

Two days off and I’m back on Bertha today.  It wasn’t pretty but it’s done. 

"Hair Loss"

I've made a decision.  When I hit 50lbs down, I'm chopping off my hair.  By then it will (God willing only be) the fall/winter.  I prefer long hair in the summer to pull it back.  I would love to lop it off to see how I feel with a shorter look though I doubt I'd stay that way.  The hardest part is (and I mean no disrespect) making sure I don't end up looking like my mom.

I have a hair appointment Saturday and I plan to chat this through then to get some better ideas about what would
1) realistically look good on me
2) not drive me crazy in my face
3) not be terribly hard to style
4) not end up with me looking like Lynn :)

Below are a few of my current brainstorming ideas.  Seeing as I like to pull my hair behind my ear I need to be realistic about any sort of "bang". I also want something I can grow.  I always tell myself I'm not skinny enough to pull off "sexy short hair" so this would be a major step.  In the meantime, I'm rocking my layers.