My eyes are raining

That's what my friend's daughter said when she saw her mom crying--"mommy, why are your eyeballs raining?" 

So 2 weeks ago I got off of a plane and weighed in.  I "knew" it would be up a little, but in all honestly I didn't think I really, truly in my gut believed it.  So it should have come as no surprise when I weighed in last week after I fell off of the wagon and didn't have a huge loss.  But I didn't expect a gain.  I thought surely I had some "credit" built up but no, I was up even more. 

I sat through the meeting in the back of the room, trying desperately to cheer on others when I'm sure I had a sulky face.  One of my connect friends noticed and approached me tenderly afterwards.  I was surprised to find myself saying:  I want to quit, but I don't....and I won't. 

I mean literally, I want to want to be done but I'm so not.  I'm 100% still on board. 

Then our leader approached me b/c she noticed how quiet I had been (I'm a talker) and when she asked if I was ok all I could do is shake my head, drop my sunglasses on my face and make a bee-line out the door before the ugly tears came.

So now I need to apologize to her too for literally walking out mid-sentence, though I'm sure she'll understand.

I think what really got me is that I'll have been OP a year in September, and given how fast this year is going September isn't that far.  It's not that I haven't lost more than 20....it's that all told I've probably lost 50 but I just keep gaining and loosing the same few pounds.  I wonder if it's a waste of my money.

I keep working out.  I keep trying to stay OP.  I just won't quit.  I can't.  For once in my life, I wonder what would happen if I just didn't give up on myself.  I want to find out.  Time will pass anyway.

I will say that with the working out, while the scale may not be changing my clothing is a bit which is good.  I'm on a new accountability group running through July 4 and I'm refusing to step on a scale at home--only time is weigh in on Wednesday.  I'm trying to break some of the hold it has on me.  And if I don't know how "good" I'm doing by way of the scale I assume the worst and find I stay on track better.  It's probably the only time in my life where automatically thinking the worst is coming in handy.  But hey, I'll use what I can.

As I write this, it's Monday.  I didn't eat enough protein for lunch and I have a busy night.  I must be careful and calculated about how we proceed tonight so I don't fall off track.