Woe is me

I haven't written in this corner of the world  in three months.  I doubt anyone reads here and that is fine with me.  I'm not sure that I want to talk about what it is I want to write about.  Just like most people I find writing cathartic and frankly the main reason why I want to put it out here is to get it out of my gut and move forward.  So here it goes.

There is not a shadow of a doubt that we are blessed.  Let's get that straight first.  People often talk about how two is a game changer but three go from man to man to zone.  No I'm NOT pregnant just follow me here.  The thing is, just like with a lot of stuff I find people (moms) making a bigger deal of the who "OMGAWD I have two and it's so HARD look how amazing I am".  By no means am I saying it's not hard, it's just I don't think we need to admire the problem.  So yea, two is harder than one-shocker-but for me what's really getting me right now is my life isn't very man on man but instead zone with just two.

Let me say before I go any further my husband is amazing.  He works exceptionally hard and it's all for his family.  Every day he gives it everything he has and I love that about him because aside from the obvious perks he's showing our girls the value of hard work.  And not just going through the paces hard work but thoughtful, figuring out the best course of action not backing down just because you're tired kind of hard work.  The man is a machine in that way.  But because of that, because of the role he's in and the path his career is on he's away a lot.  Not even necessarily physically but mentally.  I am honestly not sure I remember the last night he came home and didn't have to work.  Then there are nights like last night where he worked until 10:00pm at the office.  He was proud of his input and he should be.  I'm saddened that he thought I was in a bad mood when he got home b/c it was nothing more than pure exhaustion.  And he IS very hands on when he can be, mostly with Emerson.  Being busy and have a 3yo who's all about mommy doesn't help....and it's not like he can nurse Kate. This is more about me than him.

Aside from working a full time job I've become the primary care giver to our girls.  And that's fine, it's how I want it.  But yesterday, well this was a snapshot:
-Got both girls ready alone (he had to be at work early) and to school
-Worked a full day from the home office which included 3 pumping sessions for the baby
-picked both girls up from school, home, play time, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner for tonight as well, bath for Emerson, nurse the baby, Emerson to bed (which is a whole other story lately) did all of the laundry and folded and put it away and finally worked for about 2 hours in there. Also, I *think* I fed the dog.  Poor Archie. 

So when he got home and I made a comment about being tired and he snarks back with a "you think you're tired I just worked a 14 hour day" type remark I was none too pleased. 

Then last night the baby was up every two hours, likely b/c in my rush to try to get her to sleep so I could handle Em on my own Kate got a rushed "dinner".  Then I was too tired to really do anything more than the minimum every time she woke.  And in between Kate waking?  Emerson was up.  Hell the first time Kate woke at midnight I came crawling back into bed to have my husband ask me to turn on my computer so he could do his time.  I get it but damn. 

This morning Em was up by 5:30ish in our bed again for the 4th? 5th time and Kate woke hungry at 6:00am.  Matt had a early meeting.  It's a standing meeting every wed and I get it, fine.  But that doesn't make it easier.  I'm feeding Kate and entertaining Emerson when the dog starts to whine to go out.  This is the point that I find myself saying "I need help".  I don't even expect an answer--at this point I am just getting it out into the universe, asking for God.  I've even taken to saying a "Hail Mary" in order to calm myself before I loose my temper at Emerson ----as an aside Friday night when I was crazy sleep deprived I snapped at Matt in the car and Em stated crying because "the way you're talking to daddy scares me"  Mother of the Year here.--Anyway much to my surprise I hear Matt and realize he's out of the shower and laying on the couch with his IPad.  I get it, it's his thing in the morning.  But I'm with two kids and a whiney dog and frankly I said  Hail Mary right about there. 

After I take the dog out I let Matt know I'm going to jump in the shower.  At this point I just need a moment. I find myself entirely jealous that every morning he gets to shower in peace, get dressed in peace and leave the house as he pleases while I manage the girls.  So I decide to take his advice and take a moment.  That's when he snaps about having to leave in 20 mins.  I get it, my showers are never long but I find myself yelling at him that I just need a minute.  That I feel like I'm doing it all on my own and getting no help from him.  Surprisingly, he seems to agree.  Not that it was all happy go lucky but still.  The shower helped and I was able to refocus in a more positive way but it occurs to me, I'm not man on man lately, I'm zone.  I'm zone and I'm all alone.  It's no damn wonder I'm so tired. 

I'm sure Matt thinks I don't tell him how much I appreciate his hard work or that I'm proud of him enough.  I certainly know I don't hear it enough from him.  Right now I cannot get past the feeling like we're just treading water to get to....what?  I'm not even sure.  I know Emerson's sleep issues are a phase and that Kate will (God willing) sleep again but I still can't shake the thought of ....to where?  to What?  To the next proposal?  Till summer?  Emerson refuses to go anywhere without me.  Even this morning she wouldn't go downstairs with Matt for fear of me leaving her.  I am positive that Kate's arrival hasn't helped that matter though this was always her to some degree.  I know it hurts Matt too. 

I'm Zone.  I'm doing the best I can.  I'm not sure it's good enough but it's going to have to be.  Mostly I'd just like someone to acknowledge.  I'd just like to not be so angry.  I'd just like to do a good job.

40 weeks

I've wanted to write this post and subsequently avoiding it.  Where to start...

We welcomed Katherine Kearney Dossett into our family on Thursday October 3, 2013 at 6:13pm.  She was 8lbs and 3 oz and 22 1/4 inches long.  The irony is of course that we thought Thursday was too soon. 
Wednesday night I didn't feel good but frankly I thought I just had too much milk.  I was in a lot of discomfort but I was also almost 10 months pregnant so I didn't think much of it.  I awoke several times overnight which, even pregnant, isn't like me.  I knew something was up but didn't know what.

Thursday morning there was some....action shall we say.  I was going to try to go into the office to tie up some loose ends but thanks to said action I was a little nervous.  Shortly before I was going to leave more stuff happened so I called the doctor. Long story short they wanted me to come in to be checked out.  Being 40 mins from the hospital I wasn't about to take chances.  I called Matt and he was going to meet me at the doctor.  I was uncomfortable but again, no contractions so I decided to drive myself.  I was also starving and I knew that if they did send me to L&D I'd better get something to eat first.  I headed to McDonalds and remember it was 10:30am b/c they were still serving breakfast.

I'll never forget as I was leaving the house. I was talking to myself trying to keep calm.  Everything was in my car except the camera, my make-up and the ipad.  I grabbed all of that but not a change of clothes for Matt.

I really thought that the doctor would tell me I was progressing but not enough and to be on alert and then come back Friday to be rechecked.  Dr. Smith saw me and she was asking me about contractions.  I explained my discomfort but that I hadn't really had any "contractions" but then again I didn't really know what they felt like since I never really had them with Emerson wo an Epidural.  I remember her stating that it was obvious I was uncomfortable and she thought I was probably having some and just not realizing.  I had been 2 cm Monday and when Dr. Smith checked me I was 4.   So I asked "what's the plan?" expecting to be sent home.  Her response was "well you're going to go over to the hospital and have a baby"....WHAA?

Fast forward I was checked in and avoided the triage thanks to Dr. Smith.  She came over for a procedure and at 12:30pm broke my water.  There was some mecconium in my fluid but they weren't very worried.  Apparently it was seriously diluted.  None the less they warned me that they would have NICU in the room just to check her out.  Frankly I wasn't that worried about it, I knew I was in really good hands. 

The epidural sucked, but I survived.  Most of it was in my mind though I will say that that anesthesiologist is ROUGH.  I had two bolus' of more meds.  At one point the nurse came in to check me --Dr. Smith had called to say that if I hadn't progressed she wanted me on pitocin and surprise surprise, I was at 9. 

I was able to hold out until Dr. Smith finished up with her last patient of the day.  I will say it was absolutely polar opposite of my experience with Emerson. With Em I had to push and didn't wait for the doctor.  With KK they had me try to push just to see  but I was in no way feeling urgent.   
Long story short, when her head started to emerge we found that her cord was wrapped around her neck twice and over her shoulder.  Her face was blue.  Dr. Smith asked if I could push again--I told her to tell me what to do and I'd do it.  Apparently the cord was so tight they couldn't cut it so I just had to deliver her. 
They had Matt cut the cord very quickly and then she was whisked over to the warmer with NICU.  They had her there for 20 min.  Turns out that she didn't cry but mostly b/c she was just hanging out.  Finally the NICU team left very anticlimactically.  All was well.

2 days  postpartum

Though I didn't take a photo Monday the one above is from Sat, 2 days postpartum.  We still don't know what we're calling her for sure.  Emerson has been amazing.  Kate is amazing.  Matt is amazing.
Me?  Well not so much.

Somehow I naively thought that I'd miss the whole baby blues thing.  Don't ask me why....I guess b/c I was on meds from Emerson, or that I knew what to expect....but sure enough they hit.  I called the doctor pretty quickly thereafter--I didn't want to mess around.  I've been feeling better day by day but I'm trying, TRYING, not to feel like I have to rush anything. 
But my girls?  Oh my girls how I love them.  And my amazing husband.  So while I sort through all this shit I'm reminded how fortunate I am with these three wonderful beings.  Here's to holding on.

So..Yea how about a baby?

The doctor's appointment on Tuesday went really well.  Just as I suspected baby girl had dropped way low.  We knew when the doctor checked for the hearbeat and then confirmed it, but the look on her face of shock at how low she is was awesome.  So her next question--when do you want to have this baby? GAH!

Originally we wanted Friday the 4th but the doctor is taking a day off.  We looked at Thursday or Monday.  Thursday = OMG TOO SOON!  So Monday it is.  And yet still, OMG SO SOON!!

My most favorite part is that my doctor will just break my water and hopefully we'll avoid pitocin all together.  Obviously if I need it then I need it but given that they had to turn it OFF with Emerson I'm hopeful.

Of course, that's assuming I make it through this weekend :)

39 Weeks and lots of photos

39 weeks and lookin' pretty good if I do say so

I mean seriously, this kid.  So much cuteness!  I can hardly believe I'm at 39 weeks.  I'm been through like every season this pregnancy--found out in winter and then delivering in the fall.  I swear it makes me feel like I've been pregnant forever.  Given that this *might* be my last pregnancy I'm trying to take in everything but honestly, my favorite part is my body.  I know that sounds so odd but as someone who was always self conscious of her figure to have one I want to flaunt is so liberating and always my favorite part.  I don't even mind the stretchmarks!  That said, I actually don't have any new ones.

We'll find out tomorrow where we stand on everything.  Matt's still keen on getting induced Friday the 4th if I'm ready physically.  Honestly, after today I think I am.  I pushed myself way too hard and ended up feeling like crap and then having contractions bad enough to time.  I freaked out, called Matt and had to leave a voice mail which he never got.  I swear these damn phones.  He only knew something was up when I messaged him to disregard they had stopped.  None the less the whole thing made me feel seriously powerless.   I know it's not the end of the world to find out you aren't really in labor but I also feel like it's such a long drive and then to have to inconvenience friends.....anyway it's just the stuff I worry about.  Though this is my second my awesome OB knew I'd go fast with Emerson so she ordered the epidural very early on.  Though I was crazy uncomfortable b/c of how fast she came I never really did understand what an honest to goodness contraction was.

I'll likely try to update tomorrow after the doctor with weight etc.  For now I've decided to put myself on what I call "modified couch rest".  In other words, my happy butt is sitting on the couch, monitoring emails and generally taking it EASY (which you know I'll wish I did a lot more of in a few days!)

38 Weeks

38 weeks

Sweet fancy moses I look HUGE.  Of the three photos I'm smiling the least in this but the other two were just---wow :)  I've only gained 27lbs which I'm ok wtih but it's just surprising to me how much more pregnant I suddenly look.

Today wasn't a great day.  I mean, it wasn't horrible but ....bleh. The baby is still pretty high up and so there's not much to tell there.  We aren't even going to talk about induction until we see what next week brings but at that point if I'm not REALLY ready to go physically then I think we'll just wait until after the due date.  Probably 10/9 or 10/10.

The good news is that all is well.  That's what is important and that is what we'll concentrate on.  For tonight though I'm going to give myself a little room for a pity part just b/c.  Then tomorrow no more.  We are blessed with a healthy baby who is happy where she is.  Besides, she has to come out eventually :)

Full Term

37 Weeks

Full Term Baby!  Today I had my 37 week check up.  Dr. W. did an ultrasound just to be sure baby's head is down.  While she was at it I asked her to confirm that she is in fact a she :)  Good news is that baby's head is down and she is, in fact, a girl.  I'm not really dilated or anything but that's ok.  As we were leaving today Matt looked at me and brought up the idea again of induction on October 3 or 4. 

Assuming I make it that far I don't know that I'm opposed to it anymore.  While personally I'm not really pro early induction just for the sake of it I do get it.  At that point it wouldn't really even be early--it would be the Thursday or Friday before I'm technically due (and I'm still not sure that that's the right due date).  Mostly I just want to make sure that we're all ok.  What I don't want is to have this kid on the toll road or something.  And let's face it the chances of us having the "honey it's time" moment is slim to none.  Most likely it's more like "huh, what's that feeling?  Is that gas or something more?"  That's ok with me.  I don't want to feel pressured over some schedule though.

So for now we'll hold tight and then talk to Dr. W. on Monday.  She's told me she would induce up to a week early so I'm sure she'll pretty well go with whatever we'd like but certainly want and need her input. 

Meanwhile in the waiting room another patient asked me how far along I am and so I told her 37 weeks. She sort of looked at me with big eyes adn asked "just one??!!" and when I said yes she was all "OMG you're so big!!"  I certainly don't take offense to that--I love my big belly--but I thought it was funny since I don't feel that big. 

I also confirmed that a lot of my aches and pains are totally normal and should be expecting more.  That may sound odd but my pregnancy with Emerson was so easy I get paranoid now.  For better or worse, the round ligament pain not only is normal but it's normal for it to be at it's worst now.  AND only getting worse.  It's oddly comforting.

I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks but it's such a double edged sword.  I love being pregnant but I'm also so excited to meet this little girl and so sore and uncomfortable.  None the less, I keep thinking that this is likely my last pregnancy so I want to and should enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

36 weeks....the 9th month

So I missed 35 weeks--it was Labor day and it just got away from us.  And Yes, I totally just posted a photo of my bare belly.  Judge if you must. 

I had my 36 week appointment today and it went well.  Honestly my back was hurting me so badly that I was concerned going to have to call Matt to meet me at the hospital b/c they were going to send it over.  The doctor checked me out and there's not much she was able to say.  The good news is I found out if I need to be induced she will just break my water and see if that makes me go into labor.  Obviously they will use pitocin if need be but I like that I wouldn't have to have it right off which makes me happy.  Still nervous that I'll end up having the baby in the car or I wouldn't know or whatever but as Dr. Wolf says it'll all work out in the end. 

Generally I'm feeling large.  I swear my feet are widening.  My back's been bugging me a lot today and I'm wondering if she dropped.  She's also pushing a lot more and it's actually hurting b/c there's just no room left.  I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks. It may or may not be my last pregnancy so while I'm uncomfortable and really excited to meet her, I'm also trying to just live in the moment.  All in due time :)