On Who We Haven't Told

When I was pregnant with Emerson I was a big emotional mess at first.  I was so flabergasted at the idea that I was pregnant (read freaked the eff out) that I kept tight lips.  I couldn't even tell my childhood best friend to her face I was so freaked out.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that whenever I told anyone I used the words "knocked up".  Somehow it put a larger emotional distance between me and my reality.

This go round it's still freaky but I know a little more now.  Thanks to amazing work opportunities I had to share with them immediately.  Let's face it, when you are scheduled to travel to a communist country that will require a passport, travel invitation and a Visa you don't mess around.  Add that to the fact that while I had planning on trying *not* to tell a few coworkers in the end I didn't want the rumors.  I would prefer for it just to me be being forthright.

I've had a person or two that know because of sheer excitement and frankly  one asked me to my face and I suck at lying.

But as bad as I feel that some people know before others, the fact is that most people don't know (and don't need to yet).  I adore my family but there are at least two people that Matt and I feel strongly about telling BEFORE our family knows.  It's what's right for us.  Even the timing on that one though isn't right.  Not just yet.  And so we wait, and therefore everyone else waits.

I hope if people ever see this and question why work knew first or why we chose to wait to tell others it makes sense and that there are no hard feelings.  To say that I have stressed over this is an understatement.  At the end of the day though it's our story to tell and share as we deem necessary.  But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't feel better to share my secret with a few special folks.

Why Hello Little Nugget

EDD 10/7/13

The First Appointment

Tomorrow I have my first OB appointment.  I have to admit, I'm nervous.  Perhaps it's because now with some experience under my belt I know how wrong things can go, even though they didn't go wrong for me.  I can't help but feeling like I've been so fortunate...too fortunate?  I realize it seems silly but the fact is that two of my best girlfriends are fighting infertility.  I got pregnant with Emerson on the first shot and despite a decelerated heart rate at birth had a very uneventful pregnancy.
This time it may have take us a little longer this go round but even so, it was barely anything in the grand scheme.  Why is it that I'm so fortunate when my friends have been forced down a harder path?

As I ask that question I know that by implying that I've somehow "used up" my good fortune which would be the same as implying that others didn't "earn" it and that's just bullshit.  Still, I'm nervous.  I'll feel better when I see a flickering heartbeat on that screen tomorrow, God willing.

Vampire Baby

We've just started "The Fresh 20" and tonight was my night to cook.  I was rather nervous-I don't really cook (I bake) much less cook fish which was what was on the menu.  Breaded and baked cod with a green pea parmesean puree.  I thought for sure I'd have the more issue with the fish but as I was finishing up the puree I had to utilize our strategically placed trash can.  Awesome.
I have to stop and say I don't remember it being these extremes last time with Emerson.  It was much more light motion sickness all day every day for the first trimester.  This time I'll be OK and then I'll be really sick (usually right around lunch and dinner) and I only dry heaved once with Emerson at the very end of my first trimester unlike tonight.

The fish I was fine with but that puree...I dunno.  Then after dinner as I was cleaning up I smelled it...garlic.  It was part of the puree and it's an ingredient I used to love.  But not so much tonight.  I smelled it and thought I'd be immediately sick again. I survived but it occurred to me that it was the garlic....the GARLIC?  What the hell, I love garlic.
And then it occurred to me....what if I'm having a vampire baby?? Save yourselves!

Passport to no where

Let me preface this by saying that I'm thrilled to be pregnant.  None the less that doesn't mean I still don't have reactions to certain things like this.

Before picking up Emerson at daycare I took Archie on a quick walk.  It was nothing major, just up to the mail box to grab the mail.  The air felt good on my face after a crazy afternoon.  As I opened up the box I noticed that Emerson's Valentine's present from She She had arrived.  I was excited to see what precious thing she sent baby girl.  Then I notice that there was another package.  It was a flat packed USPS envelope.  Nothing exceptionally large, and the return address was something random except....except there was a notation about the "US Government".  

I realized then that my passport had arrived.  My passport that I needed to get into China and Canada (and back of course).  The one that I sent the paperwork away for mere days before peeing on a stick, the one that I received my expense reimbursement for about 24 hours before finding out.  And now, the one that I wouldn't need.  It's bitter sweet.

I have to say that going to China pregnant probably isn't a big deal.  When I first found out I was going and Matt and I were sorta trying I emailed with my nurse.  Her biggest thing was to drink plenty of water and walk on the flight.  It's 19 freakin' hours.  Still, God forbid something were to happen I would never forgive myself.  It's a 19 hour flight to a communist country where I have to have special shots (PS-pregnant people can't get the typhoid shot) and would have to find an English hospital there just in case.  A Just in case that really wouldn't guarantee me much of anything . Even though I'd be in Shanghi who knows what kind of medical attention I'd be able to get.  

Going just doesn't make sense, but I'll admit it easier to swallow not going to Canada.  For one....well it's Canada.  But for two it's b/c I'll be on leave at that point.  I think part of my brain doesn't like feeling like an invalid just because I'm "with child".

So now I have a passport with no where to go.  Perhaps Matt will have to make that right :)

On Telling Work

It's a Monday.  I didn't sleep well since Emerson was up most of the night thanks to the wind, I'm nauseous, and just had to/got to tell my VP about the pregnancy.  At this point my boss and 2 VP's know before our family.  With the promotion comes certain responsibility.  With that responsibility comes a little less flexibility in time.  Like Shanghi--I'm not going but whoever IS going is going to need to get their visa paperwork in order.  So I had to talk to these folks so that some decisions could be made behind the scenes.  As it is I"ll still have to tell some folks earlier than I planned but I'm waiting until after the first doctor's appt.

Today I just keep telling myself it'll all work out.  It'll all come together.  I'm not that important that things won't run without me.