Day 1 again

It's not starting over if you didn't quit, right?  How many do-overs do I get?  Am I just a failure?

These are the things that go through my head every time I "start again".  Honestly, it's enough to make me just want to say fuck it and throw in the towel. 

But I don't.  I'm going to try a little something different with daily posts for accountability.  Even if I don't work out.  I'm also going to share this which is mucho awkward but if no one's reading it, no one can keep me accountable. 

And so, I start....or do I continue?  Doesn't matter, I'm here. 

Never Break a Promise to Yourself

Anyone who knows Rachael Hollis (I'm a huge fan) knows that quote.  It came in handy today when I didn't work out this morning.  I didn't want to this evening but damn it I did.  Mind you, it was kinda ugly, but still.  That being said, maybe next time we don't eat until AFTER.....just sayin.

Speaking of eating, my foot intake has sucked.  And by that I mean I'm like a hoover devouring everything in sight.  I really am trying to stop and ask myself what I really need--am I really hungry?  Will this serve me well?  And if not then explore that.  It's harder late at night when you are half awake.  I really have to start going to bed earlier.

Matt's at a dinner event tonight so it's just me and the girls.  I have a night of work ahead of me too, but such is life.  Tomorrow I head back to the foot Dr. to see if we can figure out what the hell is going on with the pain in my right foot.  Meanwhile, my left heel has started hurting so apparently I'm going to get my money's worth in copay tomorrow.
And still I keep trudging on :)

Best Laid Plans

Yesterday I was supposed to have had a parent-teacher conference early morning.  Because of this, I decided I'd work out in the afternoon.  As it turns out, my body apparently thought I needed more rest and I do this thing where I"m only half-conscious sleepwalking and changed my alarm. 

Then, that afternoon I got the call.  Emerson had a headache, sore through and upset stomach.  Luckily she presents the same way every time because I knew to take her in and confirm what I already knew, strep.  They couldn't get us in until 7pm and by the time we got the meds and got home it was 9pm.  Considering I literally fell asleep in the peds office I gave myself a break last night.

That meant that today was up and at 'em today and got my workout in first thing.  My sole focus has been to focus on the now because otherwise I tend to start down the "what if I had just stuck with it" path or the ever-popular "this is impossible it'll take forever"

The one good (ish) thing is I tracked my food yesterday.  Much to my surprise, I overate.  I say that b/c I didn't snack a ton that I was aware of, and didn't really eat lunch.  That sort of stuff is always eye-opening.

So another day.  Now if I can get my water in today--I swear I spent half the day in the bathroom yesterday.

If I'd have just stuck with it

Apparently my last entries were at the first of the year.  If I'd have only stuck with it.....oy

Let's see, to recap I worked out almost every day between Jan and June.  But the summer came and as summers tend to do it threw me for a loop.  I did a swan dive (ok, more like a belly flop) off the wagon where I've spent the last few months in gluttonous denial.  But no more.  The number on the scale isn't "A little bit" into new territory, I'm full-on in new territory.  I lost all of the progress and then some.  My goal is no longer to be "fit" but right now it's just to get back into a bunch of my old clothes.  From there we'll re-evaluate.  Baby steps b/c shooooo dog I'm a mess.

I keep chugging away though.  Speaking of chugging, here are my goals for this week:

• *150 oz water a day
• *no soda
• *Track everything on MFP
• *move my body 30 min a day (at least 5 workouts plus two move days)

I'm no longer comfortable in my own skin.  I honestly wish I could bottle up how I feel right now so that when I eventually make progress I don't get side-tracked just because I'm feeling better. 
Oh, and I found my (very morbid) why......
While being healthy for my family etc is always important, I realized that I keep coming to the same issue-time.  As in, I'll start tomorrow.  Except it's been thousands upon thousands of tomorrows, and eventually I'm bound to run out.  So that's my why-before I run out of time.

*ding ding* goes the bell, time for another round of Allison vs. her lifestyle.

Day 17 and a little set back

I'll be honest, I'm pretty damned proud of myself.  I get up early and (with the exception of 2 days) have done the workout early.  I've yet to miss one, even when my back was wonky after a day of shoveling.  I've been pushing myself and generally just not giving up on me.  Today I was running behind and had to skip the bonus exercise and cool down but that's the only time I've quit early.

And yet, my food hasn't been on point.  Unless that "point" you're looking for is the bottom of the peanut butter jar.  I weighed in today.  I'm UP.  UP!  I mean, I haven't eaten great but I've sweated my ass off.  Up 1.9lbs.  So frustrating. 

It doesn't help that things at home have been tense.  Matt finally got a little information about the re compete but none of it was good.  8 years of his life devoted to this project and it's turning out like this, all because someone wants to be selfish.  I'll admit too, I screwed up.  I began brainstorming a spring break vacation and hadn't gotten to talk to Matt about it yet but had found the time to discuss with my MIL.  She knew enough to keep her mouth zipped.  My other in-laws, not so much.  Despite me saying explicitly that I hadn't gotten to discuss with Matt yet they still mentioned it to him.  Ironically, I had planned to *finally* let him in on my thoughts last night.  I know it's my own fault, and yet I'm so utterly pissed and my in laws too.  But, I still need to own it. 

Some days, most days, it feels like no matter what I do it's the wrong thing.  I say the wrong things, I do the wrong things, I eat the wrong things.  At least with the workouts I'm actively doing something positive rather than passively hoping I'm getting something right.

I have 4 more days of 21 day fix.  I think I'll take a week "off" and try some other workouts like the Country Line Dancing one or Piyo and then do another round of 21 Day Fix after.  All I know is, I'm sticking around.

Day 6

Today completed day 6 for me.  Tomorrow starts day 7--the last day of the first week.  I chose to do my workout on Friday night instead of Friday morning.  This was a double edged sword.  On one hand, I'm not sure I would have been nearly coordinated enough to do the moves that early in the morning, but on the other I was left working out when what I would have preferred was to sit on the couch.
Actually, here's the crazy part--that's not entirely true.  While yes I LOATHED the cardio day, I also sort of, weirdly, oddly, dare I say....looked forward to it?  Ok, well not looked forward to it but was curious about the challenge.
The trainer I'm currently following, Autumn, has different sayings she starts every workout with and the general premise is that you are responsible for your own success.  I don't know why, but for whatever reason it's really stuck with me. 
Life continues to be a bit challenging in it's own ways  as life tends to do, but I'm hoping to continue to use workouts as a way to relieve stress vs Ben and Jerry's. 

Tomorrow is Yoga day, thank God because I can't put on my pants my butt hurts so much! ha!
Then it's back to day one which includes surrenders--God help me.  Monday also starts the first home weigh in now that I'm going WW online for at least the time being.  I know there will be a loss if for no other reason than I'll be weighing first thing and naked--but hey, I'll take what I can get.

I'm tired now, need rest.  I plan on getting up early to get the yoga in and watch the snow fall.

New Year, New Plan, Same Me

As much as I try not to get hyped on the "new year new me" I'm human and it gets me.  However, this year I'm trying to approach is slightly differently.  New Year, a new plan but the same me.  The idea being I'm trying to focus on the fact that it's not ME that there's something wrong with, it's my plan(s) of attack.  You know how "hope is not a strategy"?  For as much as that is true failure to plan is, in fact, a plan.  Honestly I think I was a bit burnt out.  I had done so well and then hit a road block that took literally months to get past and when I finally did, not only was in my WW one year anniversary but it was the holidays.  There are some things on the personal front that aren't so hot, and I found myself escaping to food which is not at all surprising.  But here's the thing.  I totally gave myself permission.  Whether or not I should have doesn't matter.  I had just had enough though.  I was tired, worn out and weary from life.  I didn't throw in the towel, but I most certainly threw it in the laundry to freshen it up.

The clock struck midnight and I (quite literally) ate myself sick.  I'm sure it won't be the last time in my life I do it, but as I lay there in bed in the wee small hours of January 1 pondering where my life was taking me I welcomed the atrocious indigestion as a sort of self inflicted punishment/reminder of where I'm at. 

At 41 I'm not the heaviest I've ever been (that was a year ago) but I'm damned close.  I've spent over $750 on WW which is a program I believe in, but one that I haven't been true to and have suffered the (lack of) consequences. My hip and back hurts, and sometimes my knees ache.  I don't necessarily FEEL fat and out of shape but I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if when I get this weight off I'll suddenly realize what I was missing. 

While vanity absolutely plays a reason (always has, always will) I've found that as of late I'm more concerned about words like "knee replacement".  Quite frankly, if I can prevent illness I suddenly want to since it's now more and more likely the older I get.  I will also admit that I heard myself on some instastories lately and I was very breathy.  There was not reason for me to be, except for the elephant in the room that is my weight.  I had become that person.  I see photos of me from right after Kate was born and I think "damn I wish I looked that good" and I was postpartum.  I mean, who says that?
Me, that's who.  Anyway aside from admitting that I haven't been following WW plan like, at all I decided up the ante and officially join Beachbody on demand.  I had liked it well enough when I did the 14 day trial, but the bigger help was the accountability groups.  I CRAVE affirmation.  I need it.  I need to be able to post progress even if I don't get any attaboys.  I had been a part of a good one last summer but by the second round everyone sort of dwindled off.  I have been following the best friend of an old friend and coworker of mine for a while.   She's a coach and honestly there was a combination of curiosity and voyeurism ha!   I wanted to see if she really stuck to it or if she was fly by night.  I followed her for over a year and then in the last 6 mos began to really dig in.  See, if I'm going to join a program and fall under someone at that someone is going to get "credit" I'm damn sure going to be certain they are the right person. 

Brooke, bless her, has answered my questions and patiently prodded me.  She's got this way about her that makes me answer my own questions--like when she asked me last night what my plan for my workout was.  I told her I was trying to figure out when and before I knew it was committing to doing it at 5:00am.  Which I did.  #shocker. 

This isn't an "I'm back" post.  I never went anywhere.  But it is a new approach post. One thing that I have always known is that planning is key, and writing it out helps me which is how I started this dang thing in the first place.  For now my first plan is the next 21 days.  I'm all in and then (God willing) we'll see some results and I'll figure out the next steps from there.  I know this is a lifetime thing--I'll always struggle-but I like the idea of a 21 day all in goal to see what changes I'll make.  Then I'll work on some longer term "keystone" changes but one thing at a time.

If you've found your way here, I thank you.

Admittedly not a great angle but almost on purpose.  Taken NYE this is how I FEEL.   A big lump.