New Year, New Plan, Same Me

As much as I try not to get hyped on the "new year new me" I'm human and it gets me.  However, this year I'm trying to approach is slightly differently.  New Year, a new plan but the same me.  The idea being I'm trying to focus on the fact that it's not ME that there's something wrong with, it's my plan(s) of attack.  You know how "hope is not a strategy"?  For as much as that is true failure to plan is, in fact, a plan.  Honestly I think I was a bit burnt out.  I had done so well and then hit a road block that took literally months to get past and when I finally did, not only was in my WW one year anniversary but it was the holidays.  There are some things on the personal front that aren't so hot, and I found myself escaping to food which is not at all surprising.  But here's the thing.  I totally gave myself permission.  Whether or not I should have doesn't matter.  I had just had enough though.  I was tired, worn out and weary from life.  I didn't throw in the towel, but I most certainly threw it in the laundry to freshen it up.

The clock struck midnight and I (quite literally) ate myself sick.  I'm sure it won't be the last time in my life I do it, but as I lay there in bed in the wee small hours of January 1 pondering where my life was taking me I welcomed the atrocious indigestion as a sort of self inflicted punishment/reminder of where I'm at. 

At 41 I'm not the heaviest I've ever been (that was a year ago) but I'm damned close.  I've spent over $750 on WW which is a program I believe in, but one that I haven't been true to and have suffered the (lack of) consequences. My hip and back hurts, and sometimes my knees ache.  I don't necessarily FEEL fat and out of shape but I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if when I get this weight off I'll suddenly realize what I was missing. 

While vanity absolutely plays a reason (always has, always will) I've found that as of late I'm more concerned about words like "knee replacement".  Quite frankly, if I can prevent illness I suddenly want to since it's now more and more likely the older I get.  I will also admit that I heard myself on some instastories lately and I was very breathy.  There was not reason for me to be, except for the elephant in the room that is my weight.  I had become that person.  I see photos of me from right after Kate was born and I think "damn I wish I looked that good" and I was postpartum.  I mean, who says that?
Me, that's who.  Anyway aside from admitting that I haven't been following WW plan like, at all I decided up the ante and officially join Beachbody on demand.  I had liked it well enough when I did the 14 day trial, but the bigger help was the accountability groups.  I CRAVE affirmation.  I need it.  I need to be able to post progress even if I don't get any attaboys.  I had been a part of a good one last summer but by the second round everyone sort of dwindled off.  I have been following the best friend of an old friend and coworker of mine for a while.   She's a coach and honestly there was a combination of curiosity and voyeurism ha!   I wanted to see if she really stuck to it or if she was fly by night.  I followed her for over a year and then in the last 6 mos began to really dig in.  See, if I'm going to join a program and fall under someone at that someone is going to get "credit" I'm damn sure going to be certain they are the right person. 

Brooke, bless her, has answered my questions and patiently prodded me.  She's got this way about her that makes me answer my own questions--like when she asked me last night what my plan for my workout was.  I told her I was trying to figure out when and before I knew it was committing to doing it at 5:00am.  Which I did.  #shocker. 

This isn't an "I'm back" post.  I never went anywhere.  But it is a new approach post. One thing that I have always known is that planning is key, and writing it out helps me which is how I started this dang thing in the first place.  For now my first plan is the next 21 days.  I'm all in and then (God willing) we'll see some results and I'll figure out the next steps from there.  I know this is a lifetime thing--I'll always struggle-but I like the idea of a 21 day all in goal to see what changes I'll make.  Then I'll work on some longer term "keystone" changes but one thing at a time.

If you've found your way here, I thank you.

Admittedly not a great angle but almost on purpose.  Taken NYE this is how I FEEL.   A big lump.

Promises Promises

In light of Rachel Hollis' book "Girl, Wash Your Face" I gave up Diet Coke for the month of August.  It's now August 30 and I'm doing good.  I may have a fountain soda after September 1 but generally I have no hankering for starting back up.  Part of her book talks about keeping promises to yourself, hence the diet coke "ban".  I've decided the start of September (really, starting today b/c I'm ready) that I'm going to promise myself the following:

1) I will track Everything (even 0) every day.  Period.  To the best of my ability I'll track as it happens too.
2) I will stay within my points.  No going negative.  There are enough zero point foods.

Just two things but two huge things.  Today is Day 1.  Here we go....

Down again

Down again, this time in a good way.  Down 4lbs since last week.  Technically based on my weight this AM should have been 5 but whatever.  Vacation is next week so I'm focused on maintaining.  Here's what I"m gonna do:

• Water water water. I'll allow myself 1 or 2 diet cokes but need to stick to water.  This should be ok b/c it'll be hot in the parks and I'll have a water bottle
• Walking!  Again, based on the parks we're going to etc walking shouldn't be an issue.  I need to make sure my Fitbit is Charged and bring the charger so I get credit for all of my steps :)
• Food-this is the tricky one.  I'm planning to just try to make good choices but if I want an ice cream, I'll get an ice cream.  I'm going to try to stay away from candy and stuff though, especially on the travel days.  My thought is, if I'm walking it off ok but if I'm flying that doesn't count.
• Talk to Matt-I need to be sure he understands that I need his support....or at least not saying things like "come on, it's vacation".  That said, I realize I need to be supportive of him too.

My hope is to stay within 2 lbs of where I am right now so that when I get back I can get right back in the saddle.

Still Kickin

It's July 16 as of this writing.  I started this round of WW sometime around September 20.  As the year mark comes closer and I make ZERO progress (or zero forward movement anyway) I find myself getting more and more discouraged.  Once upon a time a year was soooo far away.  I thought I'd have lost 50lbs and at that I felt slightly discouraged.  Now what I wouldn't give for 50lbs.  Hell for 25lbs.  Yea, I'm that far off.
I'm back on track this week which is great, but next week is vacation and while I keep telling myself that I'm not going to go off the rails but I'm also not going to "worry too much" I know damn well that if I'm tempted I'm bound to fall hard.
Thankfully, as frustrated and discouraged as I am I haven't given up yet, and I won't.  My coworker just saw one of the old photos of me pregnant with KK and remarked how tiny I was.   I remember feeling huge and being technically obese, and yet here I am. 
But I keep on trucking, because I also know this-If I don't, then I'll end up in an even worse way than I already am.  That alone keeps me going.

Teeter Totter

Not surprisingly, I fell off the wagon.  I say not surprisingly b/c 1) I had two good weeks and I usually slip up and 2) it was a holiday.  Unfortunately the holiday meant that I didn't weigh in until two weeks later so I've been all over the place.  Accordingly to the scale i"m up 7.2  Who know how much is water and whatever else, but it doesn't really matter, does it? 

Does it suck?  Damn Straight!  Am I giving up?  Hell no.  Somehow owning it at weigh in helps me.  Now I just need to make it until next Wednesday.  Then we'll be on vacation. I've already decided I'm not going to go overboard but I'm also not going to be too hard on myself.  There will be a lot of walking too so that helps. 

It'll be a year end of Sept which is the most depressing part.  I "should" be so much further.  At least 50lbs I thought.  And yet, it's my own doing.  I've decided that my body and mind know I'm not in the right head space and until I do come to that I'll never get anywhere.

The one good thing?  Last night I was going to say "eff it" and eat McDonalds but I remembered a book I read.  I have to think like the person I want to be.  The person I want to be wouldn't just give in and eat fatty McDonald's, so I didn't.  Also, I didn't keep sight of my Why these last two weeks, big mistake.

Finally, I'm sad to report that Matt said something to me on the 4th of July that threw me.  Basically he said he didn't know why I was tracking since we both knew I'd go off plan that night, b/c that's what we do at these things.  He was right, but I wish I had proven him wrong.  I wish he hadn't put that thought in my head int he first place. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I took my measurements back on June 11 and I retook them July 3.  I don't usually trust my measuring tape skills so I'm trying not to make up excuses or reasons why these numbers can't be right and yet....

	6/11/2018	7/3/2018
Chest	52	51
Rib Cage	45	45
Hips	57	55.5
Left Thigh	32.5	32
Left Calf	19.5	19.5
Left upper arm	17.5	17
Right Thigh	33	32
Right Calf	21	20
Right upper arm	18	17.5

Apparently I lost an inch and a half from my hips!  The scale may not have moved that much but my body did.  Horray for that!

Keeping at it

Another good week shown on the scales.  Again though, I'm a little mixed emotion since I know that 3lb losses aren't sustainable. 

Tonight Matt and I went for ice cream and while it was worth it I'm negative in points now.  Wednesday, my normal weigh in day, is also the 4th.  So now I have to decide if I want to weigh in on the 5th (Thursday) and sit through the meeting and own it or wait until next Wednesday as originally planned.  I think I'll have to own it.  I need to keep honest.  I need to make sure I don't have a mental set back.  That's the only reason I would skip this week but that doesn't really make sense. 

I also didn't work out today which is disappointing.  I had hoped to get home earlier but that didn't happen. 

The one good thing in all of this is that I'm keeping honest.  Well, I shouldn't say the one good thing but one of the good things. 

What would it be like if I just didn't give up on myself?  I'm working to find that out.