Promises Promises

In light of Rachel Hollis' book "Girl, Wash Your Face" I gave up Diet Coke for the month of August.  It's now August 30 and I'm doing good.  I may have a fountain soda after September 1 but generally I have no hankering for starting back up.  Part of her book talks about keeping promises to yourself, hence the diet coke "ban".  I've decided the start of September (really, starting today b/c I'm ready) that I'm going to promise myself the following:

1) I will track Everything (even 0) every day.  Period.  To the best of my ability I'll track as it happens too.
2) I will stay within my points.  No going negative.  There are enough zero point foods.

Just two things but two huge things.  Today is Day 1.  Here we go....

Down again

Down again, this time in a good way.  Down 4lbs since last week.  Technically based on my weight this AM should have been 5 but whatever.  Vacation is next week so I'm focused on maintaining.  Here's what I"m gonna do:

• Water water water. I'll allow myself 1 or 2 diet cokes but need to stick to water.  This should be ok b/c it'll be hot in the parks and I'll have a water bottle
• Walking!  Again, based on the parks we're going to etc walking shouldn't be an issue.  I need to make sure my Fitbit is Charged and bring the charger so I get credit for all of my steps :)
• Food-this is the tricky one.  I'm planning to just try to make good choices but if I want an ice cream, I'll get an ice cream.  I'm going to try to stay away from candy and stuff though, especially on the travel days.  My thought is, if I'm walking it off ok but if I'm flying that doesn't count.
• Talk to Matt-I need to be sure he understands that I need his support....or at least not saying things like "come on, it's vacation".  That said, I realize I need to be supportive of him too.

My hope is to stay within 2 lbs of where I am right now so that when I get back I can get right back in the saddle.

Still Kickin

It's July 16 as of this writing.  I started this round of WW sometime around September 20.  As the year mark comes closer and I make ZERO progress (or zero forward movement anyway) I find myself getting more and more discouraged.  Once upon a time a year was soooo far away.  I thought I'd have lost 50lbs and at that I felt slightly discouraged.  Now what I wouldn't give for 50lbs.  Hell for 25lbs.  Yea, I'm that far off.
I'm back on track this week which is great, but next week is vacation and while I keep telling myself that I'm not going to go off the rails but I'm also not going to "worry too much" I know damn well that if I'm tempted I'm bound to fall hard.
Thankfully, as frustrated and discouraged as I am I haven't given up yet, and I won't.  My coworker just saw one of the old photos of me pregnant with KK and remarked how tiny I was.   I remember feeling huge and being technically obese, and yet here I am. 
But I keep on trucking, because I also know this-If I don't, then I'll end up in an even worse way than I already am.  That alone keeps me going.

Teeter Totter

Not surprisingly, I fell off the wagon.  I say not surprisingly b/c 1) I had two good weeks and I usually slip up and 2) it was a holiday.  Unfortunately the holiday meant that I didn't weigh in until two weeks later so I've been all over the place.  Accordingly to the scale i"m up 7.2  Who know how much is water and whatever else, but it doesn't really matter, does it? 

Does it suck?  Damn Straight!  Am I giving up?  Hell no.  Somehow owning it at weigh in helps me.  Now I just need to make it until next Wednesday.  Then we'll be on vacation. I've already decided I'm not going to go overboard but I'm also not going to be too hard on myself.  There will be a lot of walking too so that helps. 

It'll be a year end of Sept which is the most depressing part.  I "should" be so much further.  At least 50lbs I thought.  And yet, it's my own doing.  I've decided that my body and mind know I'm not in the right head space and until I do come to that I'll never get anywhere.

The one good thing?  Last night I was going to say "eff it" and eat McDonalds but I remembered a book I read.  I have to think like the person I want to be.  The person I want to be wouldn't just give in and eat fatty McDonald's, so I didn't.  Also, I didn't keep sight of my Why these last two weeks, big mistake.

Finally, I'm sad to report that Matt said something to me on the 4th of July that threw me.  Basically he said he didn't know why I was tracking since we both knew I'd go off plan that night, b/c that's what we do at these things.  He was right, but I wish I had proven him wrong.  I wish he hadn't put that thought in my head int he first place. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I took my measurements back on June 11 and I retook them July 3.  I don't usually trust my measuring tape skills so I'm trying not to make up excuses or reasons why these numbers can't be right and yet....

	6/11/2018	7/3/2018
Chest	52	51
Rib Cage	45	45
Hips	57	55.5
Left Thigh	32.5	32
Left Calf	19.5	19.5
Left upper arm	17.5	17
Right Thigh	33	32
Right Calf	21	20
Right upper arm	18	17.5

Apparently I lost an inch and a half from my hips!  The scale may not have moved that much but my body did.  Horray for that!

Keeping at it

Another good week shown on the scales.  Again though, I'm a little mixed emotion since I know that 3lb losses aren't sustainable. 

Tonight Matt and I went for ice cream and while it was worth it I'm negative in points now.  Wednesday, my normal weigh in day, is also the 4th.  So now I have to decide if I want to weigh in on the 5th (Thursday) and sit through the meeting and own it or wait until next Wednesday as originally planned.  I think I'll have to own it.  I need to keep honest.  I need to make sure I don't have a mental set back.  That's the only reason I would skip this week but that doesn't really make sense. 

I also didn't work out today which is disappointing.  I had hoped to get home earlier but that didn't happen. 

The one good thing in all of this is that I'm keeping honest.  Well, I shouldn't say the one good thing but one of the good things. 

What would it be like if I just didn't give up on myself?  I'm working to find that out.

All Good Things, All Good Things

I don't know why but that life of Olaf's from "Frozen" just came into my head :)

I can't believe I didn't post about last week's weigh in!  I was down 3.2lbs which is a mixed bag.  Believe it or not, a little piece of me had hoped for more while another piece of me thought "great, now next week it'll be like. 2lbs".  I'm such the positive thinker, aint' I?!

As I'm true to my habits, I had a good week and now this week is hard.  But I'll be damned if I'm not fighting through.  Today I went to work out and the work out it called for was core.  I already know I can't do the core workout right now b/c it hurts my back.  So I decided to try the one I missed Sunday which was a strength interval.  Yea....no.  I can't do that much bopping around.  Not right now--and frankly never.  I loath that sort of work out unless it's like Jazzersize and it's a routine.  But instead I found another one I knew I could do and got to work.

I have no idea what the scale will say tomorrow but I do know I've been keeping at it.  That's all I can do for now.

My eyes are raining

That's what my friend's daughter said when she saw her mom crying--"mommy, why are your eyeballs raining?" 

So 2 weeks ago I got off of a plane and weighed in.  I "knew" it would be up a little, but in all honestly I didn't think I really, truly in my gut believed it.  So it should have come as no surprise when I weighed in last week after I fell off of the wagon and didn't have a huge loss.  But I didn't expect a gain.  I thought surely I had some "credit" built up but no, I was up even more. 

I sat through the meeting in the back of the room, trying desperately to cheer on others when I'm sure I had a sulky face.  One of my connect friends noticed and approached me tenderly afterwards.  I was surprised to find myself saying:  I want to quit, but I don't....and I won't. 

I mean literally, I want to want to be done but I'm so not.  I'm 100% still on board. 

Then our leader approached me b/c she noticed how quiet I had been (I'm a talker) and when she asked if I was ok all I could do is shake my head, drop my sunglasses on my face and make a bee-line out the door before the ugly tears came.

So now I need to apologize to her too for literally walking out mid-sentence, though I'm sure she'll understand.

I think what really got me is that I'll have been OP a year in September, and given how fast this year is going September isn't that far.  It's not that I haven't lost more than 20....it's that all told I've probably lost 50 but I just keep gaining and loosing the same few pounds.  I wonder if it's a waste of my money.

I keep working out.  I keep trying to stay OP.  I just won't quit.  I can't.  For once in my life, I wonder what would happen if I just didn't give up on myself.  I want to find out.  Time will pass anyway.

I will say that with the working out, while the scale may not be changing my clothing is a bit which is good.  I'm on a new accountability group running through July 4 and I'm refusing to step on a scale at home--only time is weigh in on Wednesday.  I'm trying to break some of the hold it has on me.  And if I don't know how "good" I'm doing by way of the scale I assume the worst and find I stay on track better.  It's probably the only time in my life where automatically thinking the worst is coming in handy.  But hey, I'll use what I can.

As I write this, it's Monday.  I didn't eat enough protein for lunch and I have a busy night.  I must be careful and calculated about how we proceed tonight so I don't fall off track.

Just Don't Quit

So I fell off of the proverbial wagon (again).  Shocker.  I should have skipped weigh in last week in hindsight.  I just had no idea how bad it would have hit me.  I got on the scale this morning and my first thought was "I quit".

But I won't quit.  And this is the poem that came to mind:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

The underlined part is of particular significance to me.  I'm reminded that time will pass regardless of the choices I make, so if I make good ones I'm that much closer to meeting my goals.  

Today marks day one of a new 3 week accountability group.  My goal, aside from working out which I've been doing really well at, is to stay on program.  No ifs, ands or buts.  It's 3 weeks.  I can do 3 weeks.  The hope is that 3 weeks turns into 4 etc etc but for now, I'm just focused on this challenge.  And remembering I can't outrun my fork.

CRASH

I had to go to NOLA for the night on Tuesday.  I was trying very hard to be smart with my choices.  I landed at IAD and went straight to weigh in on Wednesday.  I knew I'd be higher than what I weighed at home b/c of a heavy late meal on Tuesday and flights.  But I didn't expect to be .2 UP from my higher weight last week. 

Here's the thing.  I was clocking in in the 291 range at home.  Consistently, morning after morning.  So I figured I'd be at 294 or 295 and then it would settle next week.  But no, I came in even higher than last week. 

I thought I was ok with it. I could explain it with logic:
- late meal
-heavy Tuesday lunch
-not enough water
-did I mention 2 flights in a 24 hour time period??

But the truth is I apparently wasn't all that ok with it b/c I crashed.  I was already running on fumes which made me very snacky.  Before I knew it I was stuffing my face with the "might as well" attitude.  I had a 'food hangover' the next day and have been struggling to get back on track since.  Struggling, but still doing it. 

It's interesting to me how even when we think we are ok with something we aren't necessarily in our subconscious.  Mostly for me, it's breaking out of the GD 290's. 

I found an old "fat" picture of myself--you know the kind that you WISH you were that (not as) fat?  Yea.  One of those.  But I just keep reminding myself days will pass with or without my focus on my health and nutrition so I might as well focus on it and hopefully have something to eventually show for it.

It's gotta work sometime, right?

Monday, June 4

Kate was up last night throwing up, and I was on "puke patrol".  I'm thrilled to say she make the "basket" every time.  I woke up exhausted and not really motivated for much so when she told me she still didn't feel good it didn't take me much convincing to stay home with her.  Of course, I'm pretty sure I was duped by a 4 year old but Mama needed the quiet too.

I was able to catch a few extra minuets of sleep and then this afternoon I got in the most tremendous workout.  It was PIYO lower body and, I don't know it just clicked.  It felt so damn good.  Well, as good as sweating your arse off can feel anyway.  With the exception of having to come down from a move a little early I stuck with it 100%.

I think I *might* have broken through my plateau but I'll know on Wednesday.  Consequently I'm in New Orleans tomorrow. So I"m going to get off a plane and weigh in.....not one of my better ideas but what can I do?  We'll see how much water I'm retaining I guess.

Sunday Sunday

Two days off and I’m back on Bertha today.  It wasn’t pretty but it’s done. 

"Hair Loss"

I've made a decision.  When I hit 50lbs down, I'm chopping off my hair.  By then it will (God willing only be) the fall/winter.  I prefer long hair in the summer to pull it back.  I would love to lop it off to see how I feel with a shorter look though I doubt I'd stay that way.  The hardest part is (and I mean no disrespect) making sure I don't end up looking like my mom.

I have a hair appointment Saturday and I plan to chat this through then to get some better ideas about what would
1) realistically look good on me
2) not drive me crazy in my face
3) not be terribly hard to style
4) not end up with me looking like Lynn :)

Below are a few of my current brainstorming ideas.  Seeing as I like to pull my hair behind my ear I need to be realistic about any sort of "bang". I also want something I can grow.  I always tell myself I'm not skinny enough to pull off "sexy short hair" so this would be a major step.  In the meantime, I'm rocking my layers.

A Long Voyage Home

I have no idea why I'm typing or where to start.  So much has happened since my last entry.  Job changes, house changes, older kids, older parents.  Maybe I'll keep up with this, maybe I won't.  I won't put any pressure on myself but it's nice to be able to get stuff out on "paper".

Due to a series of things (medication, job stress, age, life) I've ballooned up.  My highest weight was, not surprisingly, my highest weigh ever.  311.8 was my registered highest but I'm not sure that I didn't go a few lbs higher than that before I rejoined Weight Watchers.   I was doing really well too until the end of January.  Ironically I did fine through the holidays, it was post holiday that I suddenly went off of the rails and I've gained and lost the same 4 lbs since then. 

It's obviously frustrating as hell, compounded only by the fact that I have more control over it and my food choices than I give myself credit for.

I'm hopeful that if I'm able to keep a record of things in a more tangible form it will help me to keep honest with myself.  My weigh ins are on Wednesday which marks the start of a fresh week (today is Thurs).  So my goals for this week:

1. track every bite, lick and taste AS or BEFORE it happens, not 2 hours later
2. No alcohol except on the weekend
3. No eating after I fall asleep--I tend to snooze in my chair and then pig out right after I let the dogs out and before I go to bed.

That's it for now, just those 3.  But 3 I take pretty seriously.  Last night I struggled with the not eating.  It's a bad habit that needs to break.

I'm also working out, albeit limited thanks to my back/hip issues from pregnancy.  PiYO is what I'm focusing on for now and the elliptical-our awesome neighbors gifted us one.  

All and all I just keep reminding myself--time will pass anyway, so no matter how long it takes just keep plugging away.  Even a pound a week is 52lbs in a year.